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Thursday, August 10, 2017

Tips For Switching to Polyamory

Quora is an excellent way ask and answer questions. I certainly recommend it over a certain Big Internet Portal That-Was-Just-Bought-by-a-Big-Telecom's Answers service. Somebody asked "What are some tips for people who are thinking about transitioning to being polyamorous?"

Before we move on to the answers, which you should check out in full by following the link above, it is important to note that for some people, they are polyamorous as who they are, just like they are left or right-handed. They are polyamorous whether they are in a relationship or not, or even if they are currently in a relationship with one person. For such people it is more a matter of becoming true to themselves. Other people can function well long-term in polyamorous relationships or monogamous relationships.

Franklin Veaux is always a good person to consult about polyamory. He is co-author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory...
Don’t expect that you can just try it and go back to the way things were if it doesn’t work for you. It will change things, even if you decide later to return to monogamy.
Yes it will.

Don’t imagine you can script how your “outside” relationships will develop or what they’ll look like. Other people are people, and people are complicated. Things will go in directions you didn’t expect. Theory and practice are the same in theory but different in practice. That’s okay. Cultivate an attitude of flexibility and resilience.
A person can decide what their boundaries are, but they can't decide for anyone else.

Lori Beth Bisbey, an intimacy coach and clinical psychologist...
Do some research. Read Dr Meg Barker’s book Rewriting the Rules, Franklin Veaux and Eve Richert’s book More than Two, and Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s book The Ethical Slut for some balanced perspectives.
Good advice.

Just be sure to keep your love life separate from your career for a while unless you are in a profession where such openness is actually beneficial to your work. If you want to come out to people at work later, make sure you are fully prepared to defend your decision. Some of the books Lori mentioned will be helpful for that.
It's too bad that anyone would feel pressured to keep closeted about consensual adult relationships, but sometimes it is necessary to avoid the negative effects of bigotry. Read more about protecting yourself and each other.

I will add this:

It can be much easier or at least less complicated if you're not in a relationship when you make this change. That way, as you date people, you can let them know at the appropriate time that you will not be promising monogamy because you are intentionally, ethically, nonmonogamous. Also, you can seek out partners in polyamory forums and social networking groups.

Making the transition when already in an established relationship is possible, it just means your partner has to be on board, whether or not they will be seeking new partners, and your new partner(s) has/have to be OK with your current partner being their metamour.

Why More Will Try Polyamory

Advice on Coming Out as Polyamorous To Your Parents
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9 comments:

  1. What a very interesting topic. Hmm. I am polyamorous. I have always been that way. I don't know how not to be this way. My opinion is that people are very complicated no matter what lifestyle you have and because of this you need to be extremely flexible and allow life to happen. You can't be rigid or to hold on to things too tightly. Each person you are with is unique and different and you can't expect everyone to act or be a certain way. That's what I see going wrong with so many people. They think that they can just try polyamory out but I see too many times it falls apart because they arent flexible in life. If I could give one piece of advice it would be to be flexible. But being flexible takes time to learn. You cant just wake up one day and be flexible. It takes practice. I met this girl before who claimed that she was polyamorous and wanted that lifestyle but whenever she talked about things she would tell me how her mom and dad did things and so that is the way it would be. I tried to explain to her that the family unit has to work together and decide. So it doesn't really work if you are rigid.

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  2. Another major problem is that people try to be polyamorous because of sexual fantasies. Sex is not a reason to try Polyamory. If that is your goal then you are in it for the wrong reasons. My opinion is that you should take time to think about why you are trying this out. It's like getting married man, dont treat polyamory like a light switch. If you do then nothing but bad will come from it.

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  3. I also feel that if you want to try polyamory. Do it when you are single. Dont complicate things by being in a relationship before hand. It will be hard enough for you alone let alone another person along for the ride.

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  4. And just understand that if you try it, you can't just expect for your life to go back to the way it was. It will change you to a certain degree.
    My opinion is that there are more monogamous people out there then polyamorous so if you do try this out be respectful and tell the person that you are interested in that you are polyamorous first. its not cool to get someones hopes up and have them fall in love with you only to find out that you are polyamorous and they dont want to be apart of that lifestyle. That would suck. Be kind to your partners and be upfront. Dont be an XXXXXX. I edited that so nobody calls me a potty mouth. :) lol I self edit. haha I have been called a butt before but i dont want to be the guy that has a potty mouth. lol

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  5. I think there is just so much to say that it's impossible to list all the answers that someone would need. The fact is that you should be in it for the right reasons and just remember that they are all relationships. They are all unique. And above all else, be honest with yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself the really hard questions. Is it just for sex? Am I ready for this? Am I jealous? There are so many questions that I would ask first. Treat it like your getting married. Dont just go into it half XXX. Again, self edited. I would also think back on my previous relationships and see how they worked out. If you had bad luck before in your previous relationships then I would stay away from Polyamory.

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  6. Im polyamorous. And the fact is that it's all I ever knew. But the fact is that no matter what. I am always going to try my best to learn and grow as a human being. I don't have all the answers for you. There will be so many life lessons that you will learn on your journey. No 2 polyamorous lives are the same. Just be open to whatever comes your way, talk to your partners, be honest, have faith, trust, communicate. Love your partners and they will love you. If you take care of your relationships whether you have 1,2,3,or more partners make time for all of them, treat them equally and with respect. Just remember that it's like a normal relationship but you have more people to be with.
    I don't know. Maybe i am just old fashioned, but don't be one of these young kids that it's just pump and dump. You should be in it for the long haul. Be dedicated to your relationships. I guess, you get out of your relationships what you put into them. Also. Its not a game. If you treat it like a game then people will get hurt. That aint cool!! Plus you ruin the polyamory name for everyone esle.

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  7. I have always been polyamorous and I dont know of any other way to be.
    But when I stop and think about people wanting to "try" to be like me. LOl That really makes me laugh. That is so cool that there are people out there that like my lifestyle. LOL That just goes to show you that we are winning . People are wanting to try my lifestyle out!!! YEAH!!!! :) :)

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  8. Awesome Post Dude!!!! I really like it when you make me think. Im sure it drives you nuts when I post like 20 times or more but you really do a great job. I think that should tell you that what you are writing is good , when I leave 20 messages. LOL
    Seriously, it is so wonderful to be apart of a community like this that you created here. It's wonderful to be around like minded people. You do such a great job, you should write a book or something.

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  9. Okay! Last one! Really.
    Awesome Post!!!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!

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